(Allegedly) a teacher forwarded this list of comments from test
papers, essays, etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary,
junior high, high school, and college students:
The body consists of three parts -- the branium, the borax, and the abominable
cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and
lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are
five -- a, e, i, o, and u.
Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.
H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin.
Hydrogin is gin and water.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.
The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.
Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of
the bull.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them
perspire.
A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the
outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to
hitch meat to.
A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars,
and eight cuspidors.
The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards
the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum.
I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Liter: A nest of young puppies.
Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative
or negative.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.
For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered,
then kill it.
For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your
throat.
To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.
For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or, if a lady, rub her arm above the
hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.
To prevent contraception, use a condominium.
A MiddleWeb reader sends us this contribution:
Question: If a space flight is "unmanned," what does that mean?
Student answer: "Unmanned" means that a woman gets to be the pilot.
SIXTH GRADE HISTORY
Here's the latest possibly apocryphal list of middle school
test answers. We don't know if they're genuine, but they're funny!
ACTUAL ANSWERS AND SPELLING IN A 6TH GRADE HISTORY TEST
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah
is
such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened
bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount
Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached
Canada.
3. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After
his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and
threw the java.
7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The
Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made
king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.
9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was
a success.
When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented
removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the
circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because
he
invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Fransis Drake Circumsized
the
world with a 100-foot clipper.
11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He
was
born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much
money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,
comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet
are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by
Juliet.
12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote
Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise
Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the
Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing
two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot
stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his
own
hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation
Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater
and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.
They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane
actor. This ruined Booth's career.
15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large
number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he
kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the
most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half
German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he
wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was
calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.