Meeting with parents to discuss their children's progress can be an intimidating
experience for a first year teacher. When Katrina voiced her apprehensions
on the MiddleWeb listserv, she found not only empathetic listeners but an
abundance of practical advice from the frontlines. From the advice it was
clear that teachers bring many different strategies to the parent conference
table p; from highly formal "don't say too much" approaches
to "we're all in this together."
It is that time of year (Parent/Teacher Interviews) and I must admit
I am a bit nervous. This is my first year teaching and I feel as though
I am about to be put in front of a firing squad!
I have already spoken with two sets of parents (via phone) and have gotten
the "my child loves your class" and "my child now hates science
due to the work load." I have five science classes and these students
were in the same class! I do not give homework every night -- maybe once
a week. I have held after school review sessions and held reviews during
class time.
How do I deal with unruly parents? What do I say when they tell me their
son/daughter said science is too hard? What I would love to say is your
son/daughter spends more time talking than working, never asks for extra
help or is willing to think and participate, and loves to goof around. Yet,
I keep a smile and nod politely and ask, "Well, what would you like
me to do and let's see if we can compromise."
Ugh! I am terribly frustrated with this at the moment. Does anyone have
any suggestions on how to make it through 4+hours of one on one with parents??
- Katrina
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After finishing her first set of interviews, first-year teacher Ashli
had some advice for Katrina.
Katrina and others,
I am proud to say that I survived my first ever conferences. I said things
like, "He needs to stand on his own two feet...it is better for him
to make these mistakes now and learn front them, than wait until he gets
to high school.," and "Yes, the book is challenging, but not impossible
to tackle."
Most parents left on a positive note. Some didn't like what I had to say.
I talked with the other teachers to see if the same patterns of behavior
and academics were consistent with the other classes. What helped me was
that it usually wasn't unique to my classroom.
I am still having the problem of being too blunt. I called parents today.
I had a list to call so there wasn't much time to beat around the bush.
I am not good at that anyway. I just called the parent, told her (usually
I talked to the mom) that I was calling concerning Johnny's grade in English.
I told her what it was, and why it is so low...usually it was because of
a test. They always ask what Johnny can do to bring it up. I say that we
don't accept late work. He can turn in all his work, do the HW and he should
be fine. I try to keep the conversations short and to the point. I end saying
thanks for talking to me about his grade. If you have any other questions,
call at the school.
What do you all think? Is that too blunt? Katrina, does that help at all?
-Ashli
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Charlie offered some sensible advice.
I always give parents a printout of their scholar's grades and we go
from there. Parent conferences have never been that big a deal. Usually
the ones that actually show are the ones that want to be stroked and told
how wonderful their scholar is.
Never volunteer anything beyond what is necessary. The times I have gotten
in trouble were when I went beyond where I had to go. I can't say anything
more than that. When you get a few years under your belt you'll know what
I mean. It's the same thing you tell your class or your own child -- if
you have to ask if this is wrong, it is! Don't go there.
After I give them the handout, we usually discuss how the scholar can improve.
It also gives the parent some ammunition when they go home. Be polite but
formal. Try to always say something positive. Enjoy! They've come to meet
you. They care!
- Charlie
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Cossondra explained how examples of student work go a long way in giving
parents' a "bird's eye view" of their child's day to day performance.
Have some student work to show the parents, especially for those students
who are not quite up to par. It often is an eye opener for parents to see
the shoddy work done by their kids. It is equally as rewarding to show parents
exemplary examples. Parents are often amazed at what their kids are accomplishing.
This was already said, but it's probably the most important: try to find
something positive to say about each student.
Maybe we could generate a list of comments to fill those awkward moments??
1. I can see his unmet potential.
2. I really enjoy his enthusiasm. Now if we could help him redirect it towards
his academics.
3. Her enthusiasm for socializing interferes with her academics.
4. She has a great smile (sense of humor, self-confidence, etc...)
5. She always gives me her best.
6. She always stops by to say "Good morning!"
7. The work she does turn in shows potential.
8. Even though his grades are not great, I really enjoy having him in class.
Share your classroom expectations with parents again. Show them the procedures
for getting makeup work, turning in assignments, etc... Show them how you
encourage the student to be independent and responsible. Allow them to see
your classroom in "working mode." I leave the day's "stuff"
on board that I wrote for last class, assignment written on assignment board,
stacks of papers in turn-in baskets, etc... so they see how it really is
- not a neat, sterile, ready-for-PTC look.
Printouts of grades are great. We have used PowerSchool and PowerGrade for
2 years now. WOW - do these make conferences easier? Parents can see where
kids are missing work, where they do not do well, etc...
Smile lots - keep 'em moving. We held conferences this year for 5 straight
hours. I thought I would die before it was over... but suddenly, they were
all gone and I had survived. So shall you! Good luck.
- Cossondra
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Chris pointed out that parents need to know that the material studied
in your class has not been not randomly chosen, but is closely aligned to
specified state and nation standards.
Just let parents know that you want their child to learn the school's curriculum,
which is designed to help them reach prescribed standards set by the school
system, and perhaps the state and national standards. NCLB certainly includes
Science.
State your expectations in the positive rather than in the negative. For
example, say that young Christopher would probably benefit from focusing
more on his assignments and lab work while in class...or let them know when
extra help sessions are scheduled. Offer to keep them up to date when things
are in need of improvement AND when things are going well. Tell them, honestly
and sincerely, that you and young Christopher need their support to help
him do his best.
I think if you approach parents as partners rather than as members of the
firing squad, most will be very positive. You can be tough academically
but have a human and humane aspect, and even a gentle sense of humor. There
is a science teacher at our school who regularly receives the highest compliment
-- one I'd be glad to get. Parents and kids say, "She really expects
a lot of hard work, we learn a lot, and she's so nice too!" And it's
true.
Talk to some of the veterans you respect at your school. They will give
you good advice, I think.
- Chris
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Eileen suggested using a detailed printout of each student's grades as
a point of reference during interviews.
You will find that if you have a large number of parents that the time
will go very quickly. I usually see 55-65 parents in the 5 1/2 hours we
have for conferences.
I agree with what Charlie said about not saying more than you have to say.
Also I have a printout of each student's grade and give that to the parent.
(My grade program allows me to print out individual reports for each student
which I give them every Monday. During conferences the parents receive the
reports instead of the students.)
I actually use the report to have the conference with the parent. I point
out where the student's weaknesses and strengths are based on the printout.
I make a point of working directly from the printout. Once in a while I
would begin to say something without the printout only to find that in the
last week or two the picture had changed or with 100 students, I had accidentally
confused one with another and I had to change what I said. I let the parents
know that the students receive the weekly reports every Monday and that
they should ask them for them (I say this at Back-to-School Night and whenever
I speak with a parent, but not all of them know that the students receive
them).
Our principal makes a point of the fact that we are to keep conferences
as short as possible. They are not to be more than ten minutes, but he goes
around and signals you to end the conference if he thinks you've spent too
long with one parent, so it really makes it difficult to say too much and
to give them too much time to attack.
Don't dwell on the negative comments. And yes you can have one parent think
you aren't giving enough homework and another too much from the same class.
Get plenty of sleep the night before. We have half days with the students
followed by either afternoon or night conferences. It is a long week.
Good luck!
- Eileen
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Bill responded to Katrina's questions.
I well remember my first parent-teacher conferences; I was so terrified
I felt like quitting rather than go through them! Fortunately, everything
worked out fine. With time, I've even learned to look forward to conferences,
and I'm sure the same will be true for you.
I echo what many people have said - focus on expectations and on positive
ways of helping the student meet those expectations if this is not already
happening. Anyone who's there, obviously, cared enough to make the effort
to come. Since you both are after what's best for their kid, you should
be able to function as allies.
Having specific work to show them does help immensely, I have found. It
helps you focus on skills, standards, concrete facts rather than impressions.
I would always start and finish with something positive, and I still try
to plan out how I will begin and end each conference. If you sandwich the
suggestions for improvement in the middle, they are much easier to take.
I would advise against offering to compromise before you know with what
points of view you may be compromising. It is important that parents feel
they have been heard, and there are attentive listening techniques which
will help, such as appropriate eye contact, nodding your head, going "mm-hmm,"
reflecting back what you've heard to check for accuracy, and so on (this
was one of my father's specialties as a college professor, so I could go
on and on).
But you may have to say "I understand, and may even sympathize with
your point of view, but we do have to find a way to help your daughter/son
meet these standards. I would suggest we try this. What do you think?"
or something like that.
By doing all this, you should create a positive, forward-looking situation
which will result in very few if any unruly parents. In the extremely unlikely
case that you do feel like you're in over your head, though, the advice
I've most often heard is to politely stop the conference, state you would
like to continue it some other time with an administrator present, and offer
to set that up.
What is more likely to happen, though, is you add to that store of positive
experiences which us more seasoned teachers have built up, and on which
you will be able to draw on those rough days.
Best of all are student-led
conferences - this would be for well down the line, but is well worth
looking into.
Good luck!
- Bill
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Katrina expressed her gratitude for the advice offered by MiddleWeb readers
and described a situation that arose during her interviews.
First let me say thanks to all who offered advice. All in all, I would
say the night was successful. I was very pleased with the feedback, as well
as the support from the parents. However, there was one situation that I
cannot let rest - this I REALLY need some coping advice on.
About midway through my evening session, I spoke with a mom of one of my
honor level students. Her son is in the top class in the 8th grade. He is
doing well academically -- which was not at all part of our lengthy meeting
(well a slight part, but I would not say it was the foundation of our meeting).
Her first question was something to the effect of "How is he doing
in relation to the rest of the class?"
This was a death question. I was honest. I told her: He is doing well, but
comparatively, I feel he is having slightly more difficulty than the rest
of the students. Mind you, there are students in that class who are truly
gifted thinkers and consistently need to be challenged -- they are Harvard
and MIT bound without a doubt (they have even addressed it as their goal).
It is not that he does not need to be challenged (I think it is important
for all students), but the question was where does he fall in relation to
the rest of them.
Before I could finish my response, she claimed the defensive and said she
felt there was a bit of a personality conflict (meaning between her son
and I). This proceeded to the fact that in all of his schooling she has
only had this discussion with two teachers and I am the second. No matter
what I said it was wrong.
As an example for where he is in relation to the rest of the class, I mentioned
that he likes to question why we do things (ex: What is the point of this?
Is this really necessary?), where as no one else in that class has ever
raised such questions. She took this to mean that I do not like the fact
that he questions me and in turn do not like him. Honestly, I do not care
who questions me about the curriculum, but some students just do not accept
the answers they get. I also told her that to question authority is not
wrong, but she persisted that I did not like her son.
This also led into the discussion that all of the other teachers think he
is creative and unique and wonderful. I supported this because I also think
he is a creative and unique individual, but I said it and was still wrong.
I just could not win. I told her that he is working on a project right now
that would allow his creative and artistic side to come out in science,
and she seemed to like that a little. However, 90% of the time, science
is not creative - so it is difficult for many students.
The conversation left off with her telling me I needed to be more sensitive
and to "really think about what she said to me." I asked her if
we should maintain weekly updates to keep communication open and make sure
we see some positive progress, and she said that was not necessary. She
was simply going to speak with him.
So the bottom, line -- what do you do when there is obviously a personality
conflict there somewhere and the parents walk already casting judgment?
I was at a total loss.
Any suggestions?
- Katrina
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Melba, a middle school staff developer, shared her thoughts concerning
the appropriateness of students challenging a teacher's authority in the
classroom.
The only thing I disagree with you on is that I do think that for a
child to question authority is wrong. They should be inquisitive about their
learning, but never on authority. The teacher in the classroom is the authority
figure, the expert, the adult in that room. His/her authority should not
be questioned. Students need to know who is in charge.
However, I think you handled the conference extremely well. That parent
did not like what she heard and reacted to it. Her last statement about
speaking to her son tells me that she heard you loud and clear about her
son's conduct. You offered to keep in touch and she declined. Document your
conversation and all other subsequent conferences with both her and her
child. Don't fret about it anymore, she will come around, just wait and
see.
- Melba
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Ellen responded to Katrina's query regarding what to do when there is
a personality conflict between a teacher and a student.
Oh, Katrina, this is a timely question! Today I was ambushed by a parent.
My team has been having some difficulties with her child, but since I am
the homeroom teacher, I have had more than my share of problems with her.
Add that the student had partnered with two other girls in my room to make
the girls' lives miserable -- "join in the teasing or be teased,"
so to speak.
When the child is corrected, she yells, throws tantrums, and questions everything
you say. When I told her to do something, she replied, "I'm not going
to do s***!" and walked away. When I called her mother to tell her
this, she asked me what I had said to provoke it.
As a team we decided the best thing to do would be to put her in a different
homeroom. Another parent had requested that her child be separated from
another student in a different homeroom, so we made the swap. The child
threw a huge tantrum, cursed at me, and even refused to do what the principal
instructed her to do. She was suspended.
Today we held the conference. I calmly explained the problem, why we made
the switch, and my expectations. However, the parent interrupted me repeatedly
and began to yell at me. When my team members tried to talk, they were also
yelled at and insulted. The assistant principal told the woman the meeting
was over, told me I did not have to continue speaking to her, and I left.
I went to another room and cried a little, thought quite a few curse words,
then calmed myself down. I fixed my face and came to a few conclusions and
decisions:
1. All communication with this parent will be in writing. I will no longer
speak with her directly. The parent did not come for answers, just to find
someone to beat up. I will keep copies of anything I send to her.
2. I will document in objective language anything this child does, citing
the district discipline handbook and my response to her at the time.
3. This has less to do with me than it does with the parent and child.
The child speaks to her mother this way, her mother speaks to other adults
this way. This problem was in existence before I came along.
From the conference today, we found that she had the same problem in the
school she came from as she is having here. If the mother is supporting
her behavior and on the receiving end of her daughter's behavior, there
is little I can do about it. It's not personal, though it really feels that
way.
I am going to teach this child and treat her as fairly as I treated her
before; however, I will not allow her to speak to me in this manner, and
I will not back down from correcting her. We will see what happens.
In your situation, Mom sounds like she has a few issues of her own that
have little to do with you. She seems desperate for her child to be special,
and she has taken advantage of your inexperience. Reflect honestly on what
she said to you, decide what is/isn't true, continue to work to build a
positive relationship with her, but do not let the issues of other people
consume you if it's truly their problem.
Good luck.
- Ellen
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Chris O'Brian agreed with Ellen.
Ellen, you are so right on this one. I had a parent meeting last week
with one of our worst behavior problem students. I had previously had a
lot to do with the mother and quite liked her, but met the father for the
first time. I had to tell him three times to modify his aggressive tone
towards me, but twice in the interview he raised his hand to slap his ex-wife
when she went to say something.
Ironically his main concern was that his child was being intimidated by
others! It's little wonder teachers find it difficult to work with his child,
when this is the role modeling she has grown up with. We need to be mindful
that this is probably not an uncommon situation for some of our frustrating
kids. Factoring it in to the classroom environment is the real challenge.
- Chris O'Brien
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Chris, a middle school principal, offered some timely advice.
Well, in a very general way, be sure to take the "high road."
Although it is always tempting to respond to barbs and inaccuracies, sometimes
you need to step aside and let them pass. I think a simple response of something
like, "Thank you for letting me know how you feel, I'll think about
it when I interact with your child" will be all you can do.
As for the questioning of authority. Interestingly, when we teach our students
to think critically, we are teaching them to question authority. The key
here is how to question it appropriately. Holding the students, you, and
the learning process hostage is not an appropriate way to question authority.
A private conversation, alone, or with a group of other students with the
same question, at another time convenient to everyone might be more productive.
Sometimes I have students come to me complaining that a teacher never listens
to their concerns. I usually advise them to put themselves in the teacher's
position. They quickly understand the idea of waiting for the right time
and place. I will also give the teacher a heads up to expect a request.
Often the teacher will actually make time during class to explain the purpose,
importance, or relevance of an activity as a result.
- Chris
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Mary Ellen advised Katrina to look beyond the parent anger to other root
causes.
Katrina, one of the tricks that I learned is to redirect the conversation.
I would have said something to the effect of: "This is your son's conference,
not an evaluation of me" in some tactful way.
One of the things that seems to be happening is that she feels that her
son is equal to you in maturity and knowledge. I think we all have had those
types of people. I also remind myself that anger is a secondary emotion
and that it is covering the primary feeling. I suspect that she is fearful
for the boy.
Maybe pointing out that you are part of the process that readies him for
life. I know how stressful these types of conversations can be. Nothing
you can say seems to be enough.
- Mary Ellen
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Carolyn described how she recently handled a challenging parent meeting.
I too had a parent meeting this week - unscheduled. The child in question
was given a teacher detention (15 minutes) by me for giggling and talking
during an Honor's assembly.
The mother showed up at school the next morning at 7:10, I don't have to
be in until 7:40, so she waited in the lobby until I came in. I was paged,
and evidently numerous times, before I came in as well.
"I don't agree with this detention" were the first words out of
her mouth, "I am not signing it." So I said I disagree with how
her daughter had explained the situation, and then explained what had happened
according to me: that this child was indeed talking, along with 4 other
girls next to her, that I had to turn around twice to shush them and I had
to get out of my seat and walk around the entire section of seats to speak
directly with them to stop talking and pay attention, at which point I had
two of them disrespected me and sent them to the office. The other 3 I gave
teacher detentions.
Well, that still was not good enough. "I am not signing it." So
I let her know the consequences: that if she did not attend detention, per
policy, she would be rescheduled and an additional detention added and if
she chose to not come to those, she would be referred to the office for
administrative detention.
"I don't like your attitude and want to speak to the principal."
I considered the meeting over and invited her to the office window where
she could make an appointment to speak with the principal and walked away.
Well, the child did attend detention that day.
- Carolyn
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Bill offered some interview wisdom gleaned through experience.
To the many pieces of great advice you have already received, I would
add:
1. Remind yourself that you can't control anyone else's behavior, only your
own.
2. Go to a sympathetic administrator and inform him/her of the situation.
3. Trust that in the end, things work out for the best.
The majority of your conferences went well. All those parents, not to mention
your colleagues and the administration, are not going to change their minds
about you just because one parent has a gripe. This will be especially true
if she continues to present herself in such an authoritarian and one-sided
fashion and you continue to take the high road.
Stay true to yourself, continue to do the best job you can for the kid,
and document like crazy. Good luck!
- Bill
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Max asked a question.
With the recent revelations of parental ire directed at teachers, I
have a question:
Do any of you have contract language that, in the opinion of you, your colleagues,
administrators and parents, satisfactorily deals with parental complaints?
I realize that may be asking for the world, so if you have similar language
that at least placates staff, I'd be interested in hearing about that as
well.
- Max
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Bill answered Max's question.
In one word -- no. My Pine Cobble contract language doesn't really even
specify what my duties are, other than teaching Upper School French, never
mind details that fine.
Our student handbook asks parents to "call the individual most directly
and closely involved with the situation" and notes that, for Upper
School (grades 6-9) students, the parents should generally start with their
child's advisor.
Most parents at my school are pretty good about following this general policy.
Later on, the handbook states that "We believe that communication among
students' parents, faculty and the Administration is important. Parents
are encouraged to arrange conferences through the advisor to address or
share concerns with faculty."
In practice, these conferences happen relatively rarely, maybe 2-4 times
a year, and are often quite helpful. Indeed, parent-faculty relations at
my school are generally strong.
- Bill
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Chris responded.
Our teacher's contract states that any complaints have to be brought
directly to the teacher if they are going to be used for evaluation purposes.
- Chris Toy
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Ann emphasized the need to be direct when sharing a student's progress
with their parents and offered some practical ways to do so.
I feel I need to weigh in on this conversation. I have also experienced
angry parents demanding that I change grades for students who did no work,
claiming that I provoked cursing and that their child was more special than
any other in the world (which, I think, is a right of parents to think,
just not to challenge a teacher with!). I also used to be, well, lily-livered
and often used sugar coated language to cover up students' inadequacies.
This, of course, inevitably backfired when the students got low grades.
This year I decided I was going to be direct, blunt, to the point and sincere.
I have had three conferences with parents of problem students (both academic
and behavioral) including one that involved a student I think needs to be
referred for special ed. These parents have, in the past, screamed and insulted
me. This time, however, armed with my new goals, I went in thinking "I'm
in charge of this conference."
Here is what I did: I made strong, direct eye contact with the parent while
giving a firm handshake. I then thanked them for coming and said "I
know that I'm blessed to have a parent like you who is so invested in her
child's education to come to school to meet with me." I then, assertively
said, "Here are Shakima's strengths" and listed them. Then, "And
here are the weaknesses."
After listing them I explained how they were affecting her progress in school
and her potential. I then stated that, as the teacher, it was my job to
make every student learn and that I wanted the parent, the child and I to
come up with strategies to help the student overcome these difficulties.
I used language like "I don't want her to fall through the cracks"
and "I won't allow her behavior to stop her and others from learning."
I was firm, friendly and assertive.
Bottom line? Amazing reactions from my formally belligerent parents. They
were open to hearing the problems, they were willing to help their child
rather than blame me. One even said, "I see your sincerity in helping
my child, I trust you have her best interests in mind and you have comforted
me by the way you spoke to me."
- Ann
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