Entry # 17: An uncomfortable
transition from teacher to student
I'm back in the classroom.
But it's not my classroom, it's actually a high school library. I started
a "fast track" graduate program for administrators this week.
I need an administrative certificate to stay in my current position. I agreed
to enroll in a program when I was hired, but I'm not exactly looking forward
to it. In fact, I've been agonizing over whether I really want to do this
or not.
Why am I resisting this move? I like to read and study. I even like to write
about what I've read and apply it to my day-to-day work, so what's my problem?
I'm embarrassed and a bit intrigued by the fact that I'm balking at the
strict parameters that are being established by the professors, but I think
that's what I'm feeling. I'm back to being a student and feeling that general
sense of helplessness, dictated by the rules for "doing school."
The professors are presenting a lot of information, a rigorous program in
a mere eighteen months, consequently, they expect a lot of work in each
seven week course. The syllabus is very structured and the assignments leave
little room for the kind of processing and writing which most suit my learning
style.
My papers have to be written according to APA format. I have a rubric to
follow. Our presentations will be timed and critiqued. Everything is well
thought out and rigorous and perhaps a little too regimented.
So what's my problem?
The teachers have a lot to offer. They're experienced and clearly knowledgeable.
Based on the first session, it is clear that our classes will be engaging
and interactive. I liked the other students, even though I missed the diversity
that I've grown accustomed to in my urban setting.
So what's my gripe? Why all the anxiety?
I value rubrics. I'm not interested in a lightweight program. I place a
lot of value on feedback from peers too, so this should be a perfect match...
BUT...there's that but again, it's been a really long time since I gave
myself over to rules and norms that I had no part in developing.
Is this how our students feel? It must be. I'm feeling like one of our kids
and I'm reacting in much the same way. I'm questioning the process. I'm
deciding whether to buy-in or not.
I don't want to be a principal, but I'm required to take these classes.
Our kids don't want to learn most of what we teach them. They see it as
"our" curriculum, a curriculum we impose upon them by virtue of
our "authority." As a teacher, I tried to share the ownership
with my students. As an administrator, I have been working to convince colleagues
that they should incorporate student choice, and voice, into their classrooms
and curriculum.
Points off for tardiness
At 47, it's been a while since I just submitted to someone else's rules,
especially rules that don't make sense to me. For example, because the class
is fast paced, full attendance is mandatory and punctuality is required,
or else points will be deducted from your grade.
While I am compulsively early for every appointment, and I don't expect
to be late for class, I do chafe at being told that I'll lose points for
being late. Along the same lines, I can't agree with having my grade lowered
by 10%, if I miss one session.
I already know that I have to miss the third class. I'm co-facilitating
a seminar on action research or collaborative inquiry in Seattle, in two
weeks. I'm not going on vacation. I'm not pursuing something unrelated to
this course work, and I don't think I should be penalized.
I'm not opposed to writing an extra paper about my experience in Seattle.
In fact, I'd welcome the opportunity to do so, but I resent feeling apprehensive
about having to approach the professors, hat in hand, to plead my case.
It has taken me years to begin to understand myself as a learner. I have
been enjoying the process of real learning for some time now, and the thought
of going back to learning for someone else is not sitting well.
You figure out what the teacher wants
In all fairness, my reaction is not so much in response to the teachers
I just started to work with, as it is to the whole "doing school"
game. As a successful student, you start a new class and a good deal of
your focus is on the teacher, or teachers, and their expectations. You begin
trying to figure out what the teacher wants, how the teacher will grade,
how they'll measure your success.
Knowing for the sake of knowing, and being able to use your new knowledge,
become less important as the drive to get an "A" becomes key.
If you're lucky, you'll also be able to figure out what your true purpose
and questions are. You might even be able to bend the assignments so that
they hold meaning for you, and your understanding, beyond the grade or approval
of your instructor.
I have a Master's Equivalency. I have steered clear of getting a bona fide
Master's because I haven't wanted to use my energy learning for someone
else. I have enjoyed the luxury of learning what I needed, when I needed
it.
While I have studied research about learning styles and the use of techniques
like I-Search to personalize student learning, I have found my own niche
as a learner. As I have written for myself, in this diary, I have found
my voice. It has been an empowering experience. I have truly felt like a
"lifelong learner."
The challenge I now face is whether I can negotiate a marriage of my learning,
and my ways of showing what I think and know, with the syllabus and requirements
of a very clearly defined program for certification.
Brokering the marriage
Yesterday, I took my first steps toward brokering this marriage. I spoke
to two principals about shadowing them. My course requires observations
at both the elementary and secondary levels. I chose two schools where I
am working with teachers on the development of a joint project.
I'm also hoping to conduct my action research project at the Middle School.
A fifth grade has been added this year, due to overcrowding in other schools.
The decision was made because of numbers and space -- the children's needs,
academically and socially, were not considered.
We are now faced with getting the cart back behind the horse. We need to
find out who these kids are and what they need to be successful. Many of
them are ESOL kids, and many are having difficulty with their reading skills.
I was planning to work with this principal on these issues anyway, so linking
it to my course work makes sense.
Will I be able to make this course of study work for me? Will my approach
work for my teachers? Stay tuned, I think it's going to be an interesting
journey.
[Editor's note: Deb is co-moderator of the
new MiddleWeb listserve.]
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