Entry # 6: "Being white means I can still be
surprised by the pervasiveness of racism."

I like to get things done. This week I felt really good about doing just that. I visited a number of schools, I developed a packet to help teachers prepare our kids for the State's upcoming writing test, I met with the parent leaders from all our schools, I met with the principals and I took steps to enroll in a graduate program.

By Friday at noon, I was feeling fairly pleased with my adjustment to my new role. I was clear that I needed to get better organized, there was no avoiding the message those piles on my desk were sending...yet despite my messiness, I had clearly turned a corner.

Beyond my day job, I had two other firsts this week. On Monday, we launched the new Middleweb Listserv and I was excited about this opportunity to connect with other educators about teaching and learning in an ongoing way.

On Tuesday, I drove to Lancaster after work, and met with the Critical Friends Coaches, whom I facilitated training for last month. It was the first, of what will be monthly meetings, and it was great to reconnect with folks and learn about their first steps as new coaches in their District.

Planning for diversity training

Toward the end of the day on Friday, I attended my last meeting of the week. Two colleagues and I were scheduled to work on the development of a series of sessions on diversity training for teachers.

Our initial planning went smoothly. We discussed a lot of preliminary logistics about who we'd invite, what materials we would use and whether we could compensate participants.

We also discussed a framework for our first session. We hope to construct a definition of diversity with the teachers who attend. We know that diversity doesn't mean the same thing to everyone and we'd like to begin with some shared, common information.

Because we all know that discussions of diversity and equity can become very emotionally charged, I suggested that we needed to stay very closely grounded to our work with students. I have seen sessions where people were uncomfortable with the content, especially about racism, and left feeling ill at ease, and with no compelling need to make changes in their classrooms or their lives.

In the context of this discussion, one of my colleagues began to stress the importance of personal sharing in the groups. I was wary. I thought my counterpart was misunderstanding my intentional focus on the classroom.

My colleague went on to share an experience he had recently, where a white teacher freely used a racial epithet, while discussing our city's contract impasse with the teachers'union.

I was shocked by the teachers' racism and began to try to understand why they felt they could use such language with anyone, let alone a colleague of color. I asked if the person thought they were being "cool" and characterizing our governor's racist attitudes.

I have seen situations where whites, who consider themselves anti-racist, feel they have the license to use hateful expressions to make their points. It's almost like, "since everyone knows I'm not biased, I can say whatever I want with impunity."

"A sense of profound disconnection"

My efforts to understand were not an attempt to downplay the pain and disrespect my coworker clearly felt, but I can see now that it felt as though I were minimizing the person's intent.

We went back and forth about the nature of the racism. While I stated that I felt it was racist either way, my colleague became clearly frustrated with me.

We wrapped up our work and scheduled our next meeting. We both left feeling frustrated. I packed up to come home and my mood had definitely changed.

My sense of productivity and connection to my new assignments and colleagues had been overshadowed by a sense of profound disconnection.

My coworker, whom I'll call John, had gone out of his way to expose a painful incident to me and I had responded with questions. Did my lack of clarity reflect the luxury I have as a white person in our society? Being white means I can still be surprised by the pervasiveness of racism.

Racism is not a subject I avoid. I have really tried to understand the ways that discrimination works in our society. I read, think about, write about, and discuss the impact of bias on our students and their families, but being white has meant that I don't directly experience the impact in a regular way.

I'm still not certain about exactly what I need to do, but I am clear that my confusion is the result of my being one step removed. Reading about racism and experiencing it are still very different. Empathy only goes so far...and it's not far enough.

I have written a note of apology to my colleague, but more than an apology is needed. I cannot afford to become complacent in my understanding. Complacency leads to complicity.

Sensing the pain of my colleague was uncomfortable. Realizing that his pain is the tip of the iceberg that our kids face daily in our schools will push my thinking this weekend, as I decide on the next steps I need to take.

[Editor's note: Deb is co-moderator of the new MiddleWeb listserve.]


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