Entry # 22: A weekend of soul-searching,
with a little help from some friends
"There is nothing to fear but fear itself!"
-- Franklin D. Roosevelt
"I miss my fear. I keep looking around for it because it is so familiar.
There is a huge openness in me now where the fear used to be. I don't know
yet what to do with it."
-- Anonymous from www.zukav.com
"What would you do if you weren't afraid?"
-- Spencer Johnson, M.D. from Who Moved My Cheese?
"I feel angry and discouraged. No one really seems to want to fight
the battle for excellence for my students. I desperately want to work with
my kids, but I need the intellectual stimulation and focus of a committed
staff...I WANT and NEED to grow professionally, but the more I examine my
situation and possible growth opportunities it seems I will have to move
to a more suburban, wealthy district to meet my personal needs. What do
I do?"
-- Ellen Berg, MiddleWeb listserve, Friday, February 2, 2001
It is Sunday evening, a long time coming after an intensive weekend of wrapping
my mind around the problems I identified Friday night in a fit of frustration
and self-pity. I have taken a very long journey this weekend, but the journey
was worthwhile; I got the insight I needed.
The first three quotes above obviously speak about fear. Initially the fourth
one, mine, does not seem to fit. To my great shock and surprise, it does.
I am afraid.
The folks on the listserve have been extremely supportive and helpful with
their comments and advice on my post. Many reinforced the idea that I needed
to be able to be with motivated colleagues, that all students need and deserve
good teachers, and there would be no shame in moving to another district.
They told me what I have told others, what I think I really wanted them
to tell me.
Two others didn't make it that easy.
"Whatever this is, it's not going to stop me."
Instead of suggesting I run for the hills, two listserve members, Naomi
and Pat, gave me ideas about how to be proactive, how to try to be a leader
in the school to effect change. They did not let me off the hook.
I must admit I felt a little like I did my second day on the Atkins diet
when I was sprawled on the couch whining to my husband about how I could
not possibly stick with this diet, that I could not possibly give up my
Wonder Bread and macaroni and cheese. Instead of telling me what I wanted
to hear -- that I could give up -- my darling husband said, "It's only
been two days. You haven't even given it your best try. Anything worth doing
is worth sticking to."
You can imagine my disappointment. I was really angry because I knew he
was right. I felt the same way about what Naomi and Pat suggested.
What were they thinking? After all, I am just a lowly fifth year teacher.
I have no control over anyone else; who is going to listen to me? I have
no power to change anything at my school.
That went on through Saturday and Sunday morning. I knew they were right,
but I knew there was still a roadblock within me. I thought about it all
afternoon while I was out shopping for my husband's birthday present. It
is amazing to me how much can be revealed to us when we get quiet with ourselves
and allow our brains to process information.
Yesterday a close friend of ours woke up blind in one eye. He already has
poor vision -- a rare disease called achromatopsia that severely reduces
vision and completely destroys color vision. His doctor said the nerve endings
behind the eye were inflamed, and it might take anywhere from a week to
six months to get his vision back.
But that's not all.
He might have multiple sclerosis. Apparently this is an early symptom of
the disease. He will know more after the CAT scan later this week.
He said, "I am as scared as I have ever been in my life, but what else
can I do but move forward? Whatever this is, it's not going to stop me."
I was pretty impressed. I would have been prostrate on the ground, crying
for myself, yet here he was, facing his fear, taking steps to keep right
on moving.
As I thought about him today, it suddenly came clear to me that I was no
better than many of the staff members that frustrate me. The reason Naomi
and Pat's responses had gotten under my skin so deeply was because they
wanted me to do something to help change my situation, and I had been waiting
for someone else to come in and solve the problem.
When I got home from shopping, my colleague, Leighann, who is on the listserve,
sent me the following message:
"What happened Friday, or was it Thursday after we talked? You told
me how I needed to hang on at Turner--did something happen?"
My confession and my conclusions
Following is my response to Leighann -- my confession, and my conclusions.
"Nothing specific (that I can remember) happened, I just felt overcome
by the enormity of the task ahead of us, the lack of real directional leadership,
and the absence of anyone really stepping up and trying to be proactive
instead of reactive. So many people (myself included) have been waiting
for change to be mandated from above and complaining instead of trying to
effect change themselves.
"What I have realized after all the responses to my post is that I
am guilty of doing the very same things. Have I started a study group? Have
I asked to be a presenter this summer? Have I gone to Mrs. A. with my specific
concerns? Have I told the people who complain to me to examine themselves?
What have I REALLY done to try to help change happen? The ugly but true
answer is NOTHING.
"Therefore I am going to go forward with the study/action group. Even
if I am the only one there, it is a set time for me to read and reflect
and propose ideas to help Turner become an excellent school. I have been
waiting for others to take the lead, and it seems that will not happen.
I will focus on what those who want to come aboard and I can do, not things
that are out of our control.
"I am not leaving Turner. I love my kids and the community, and it
would have to be a very special sort of school to lure me away. After all,
how many schools actually have unified staffs committed to a similar vision
regarding student achievement? Not many. So if I reacted and left, I would
simply be transferring the problem to a new venue while simultaneously giving
up the kids I want to teach. Wouldn't that be stupid?
"Incidentally, I bought the book, Who Moved My Cheese?, today
as several people suggested, and I'm already halfway through it. It's helped
me learn that I have been afraid to start a group to make changes at Turner.
I am afraid to put myself out there. It's time to confront my fears. I cannot
wait until everyone is on board. I believe if a small group of us work together
to make change, people will notice and want to come along. It's kind of
like what we tell our students about what effective writing is: show, don't
tell. We must lead by our actions, not by our words. Words are empty without
results.
"SO, don't worry. I'm over my self-pity and moping. I'm ready to keep
working and moving ahead, and I'm planning to do that at Turner. Ready to
join the ranks?"
The power of collaboration
I am ready to take on my responsibility as one member of the team for what
happens at my school. I realize I may not be successful, but it is equally
possible that I will succeed.
Thank you, Pat and Naomi. Thanks to everyone who pushed me to examine my
situation and feelings more deeply. You have demonstrated just why it is
so important for teachers to be collaborative. It's not that anyone else
can give us the answers you seek, but their unique perspectives and questions
can help us find the answers within yourself.
[Editor's note: Find out more about joining the MiddleWeb discussions here.]
Read next week's entry >>>
<<< Read last week's entry
Read some background about Ellen and
her school
Comment on this week's entry
Back to Ellen's 2000-2001
Diary Index