Entry # 40:
The Year of Living Reflectively
Thursday, June 7, 2001, 2:55 P.M: The last child has left the room,
hugged her goodbyes, and collected her report card. Last week it felt as
if this day would never come, and today I am wondering just where all the
time went.
On the chalkboard students had scrawled goodbye messages all day long, but
I did not have time to read them as they were being written. There were
messages like, "Stay crazy and cool," or "I will miss you,"
the usual kinds of comments students make in memory and autograph books.
One, however, stood out and let me know that regardless of any self-criticism,
this year was a success.
Dear Mrs. Berg,
I am going to miss you because you kept on pushing me instead of pushing
me down, and you always thought highly of us. That's why I love you, we
love you. You were our teacher.
Kim
Kim is a little, disorganized girl who tends to talk her way into a lot
of trouble. During first quarter we moved her to my homeroom because of
her frequent conflicts with a group of girls in her original homeroom. Her
mother died six years ago. Kim found her. Kim would regularly break into
tantrums, arguments, and hysterics complete with loud wailing at the beginning
of the year, claiming she was thinking of her mother.
In my room, she quickly learned that although I was sympathetic to her situation,
I would not allow her to peddle her misfortunes to avoid participating in
class or to show anything but the best behavior. I do not know exactly when
the metamorphosis occurred, but slowly over the school year, Kim changed.
She began asking questions in class, endlessly checking to see if she was
doing her work correctly. During third quarter she earned an A, and I saw
her confidence develop. I was very proud of her because she had overcome
academic and emotional challenges to become a student.
Kim is a student who traditionally falls through the cracks. She is difficult,
high-maintenance, challenging, and behind academically. I felt proud as
I watched her blossom, and now I feel humbled by her tribute to me. I also
find evidence that convinces me I was the kind of teacher, the kind of human,
I set out to be.
The story of Us
I think the part that impacts me the most is, "you thought highly of
us." Kim did not exclude her classmates from her observation. In her
eyes I appeared to have high expectations for everyone, not just the stars
or the pitiful. Everyone. Us.
Maintaining high expectations for everyone is a yearly goal that I get better
at each year. At the beginning of this year, I set several goals in my opening
entry, one of which was to help my students develop confidence as learners.
I went a long way in accomplishing that goal, but in my eyes I was not successful
enough.
I think of students like Phil, Darren, and Kamill who, though they showed
flashes of confidence and the desire to learn, frequently fell back into
old patterns and belief systems. I carry their failures close to my heart,
and I wonder what I could have done to help them make permanent changes.
I wonder if it is even possible to overcome a lifetime of self-doubt and
failure in a year of five 80-minute periods a week.
The home lives and prior school experiences of my students continue to weigh
heavily upon me. The gang violence that erupted during the last few weeks
of school continued to simmer just below the surface through our final days
together. I worry about Terry and her brother, and I wonder if there will
come a day when I open the paper only to read they have fallen victim to
the violence that plagues our children. I do not know how to help them.
I suspect that enriching our students' education experiences at an early
age might go a long way towards combating old ideas and experiences. Every
vacation I take -- whether it's to Cozumel, the Oregon Coast, or California
-- I think of the possible impact of taking my troubled students to visit
these places. I think that if they could only see the amazing things that
lay beyond the four streets bordering their neighborhoods they might see
a higher purpose in their lives. I may be wrong, but I would like to try.
Working on reading
A second goal for this school year was to improve reading instruction. Because
I have always loved reading, I had a difficult time understanding my struggling
students and their dislike of reading. I think I made great strides this
year, though I certainly did not go far enough.
I contemplated but did not conduct an action research project on reading
this year. I felt unarmed, too ignorant of effective reading strategies
to put together something worth testing. I spent the year reading books
like Mosaic of Thought and I Read It, But I Don't Get It,
gathering strategies and trying to create an understanding of my own processes
as I read. I began reading aloud to my students every day, and I saw an
increase in enthusiasm about reading.
We read and discussed Hatchet together, and I delighted in my students'
quest for Paulsen's other books and information about his life. I opened
a formal classroom library, complete with checkout procedures, and books
fairly flew off the shelves. I am happy to report that I only lost eight
books, a small loss compared the 20 or more I gained as students donated
books from home.
Next year I am going to try to implement a reading workshop format so I
can concentrate more on guided reading, individual reading conferences,
and direct comprehension strategy instruction. I will record my efforts,
my failures, and successes and I will measure my students' growth to see
if it is an effective model for them. I suspect reading will remain a top
goal for many years; it has not been as easy to master as classroom management
or learning centers.
Teacher to teacher
In my opening entry I expressed a desire to work with teachers eventually,
though I was not ready to give up my kids and my classroom just yet. I continue
to feel that way, though I have the opportunity this summer to satisfy my
interest in working with teachers. We are participating in a summer-long
inservice instead of having summer school, and my instructional coordinator
asked me to give two workshops, one on investigative learning across the
disciplines, and the other on classroom management. I am excited and a little
nervous, but as always, it will add to my understanding.
Although I hope my reflections this past year have been a help or comfort
to others as they have found themselves in similar situations, I have to
say that keeping this public Web diary has been a completely self-serving
activity. Writing a weekly reflection has been the most powerful professional
development activity I have ever participated in because I had to make meaning
and create understanding for myself.
On paper I cannot lie to myself. Many times I would look at something I
had just written, stark against the white background of the computer tableau,
and know it was an untruth, that I had to examine myself and my practice
further. I discovered things that I did not know until they appeared, miraculously,
on the screen.
In A Writer Teaches Writing, Donald Murray lists the myriad of reasons
people write. One quote by Peter Taylor seems to fit: "Writing is how
you discover what you think." I discovered a lot about myself as a
person, a learner, and a teacher as a result of this diary, and I find myself
with more questions here at the end than I did at the beginning. Murray
says, "The writing surprises, instructs, receives, questions, tells
its own story, and the writer becomes the reader wondering what will happen
next."
And I do wonder.
Updates
I realized as I reviewed my entries for the year there were a few loose
ends to be tied up. I will borrow the model used by Susan Fedor in her
final MiddleWeb entry, with many thanks to her for figuring out a practical
solution to a sticky situation.
#2 - After the initial MAP emergency academic
meeting, there was no further action taken. It was a reaction by the administration
to dismal scores, and there was no real conversation beyond, "These
scores are low." We are working for better results next year.
#3 - Early parental contact resulted in
better parent support throughout the year. I seemed to have more credibility.
#8 - There were no further incidents of
violence on our street, but as I hear gunfire and see young people out until
one or two in the morning, I realize I have a long way to go before I can
ever begin to understand their lives.
#9 - On paper Turner Middle still "looks
good," but fortunately it seems many of us want to work to actually
be good. There are still some who prefer to talk, looking for someone
else to solve their problems.
#12 - Discipline problems remained at
a minimum for the rest of the school year.
#16, #24,
#25 - Darren was repeatedly suspended,
referred to special education (papers are pending), and appeared to withdraw
further. He would appear mysteriously at my door when he got in trouble
elsewhere, but I saw no lasting academic improvement.
#22 - I am still afraid of seizing a
leadership role, but I have decided it is time to take action. A group of
us has already been talking, outlining our expectations from other staff
and the administration as well as having conversations about instructional
practices. Also, the close friend I wrote about found out he does not have
multiple sclerosis, and his eyesight has returned.
#23 - Teaching math to my homeroom allowed
my students to come to me for help throughout the year and see an adult
person who still used math skills learned so long ago.
#32 - The poetry unit resulted in conflicting
data. Those students who did well, did really well and continued to be enthusiastic
throughout the unit. Those students who did not do well injected little
of themselves into their work. I continue to reflect on what happened, and
the staff will be examining the students' projects during our in-service
this summer. I hope to gain some insight through that process.
EDITOR'S NOTE: Ellen Berg will continue her diary during her summer studies
and return next fall for a second year of reflection and sharing.
Read Ellen's first summer diary entry
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