Entry # 9:
"I find myself wanting more."

"I sometimes feel like I'm the little minnow fighting off piranhas."

A friend of mine who works at Turner with me emailed me this past week about my last entry. She was agreeing that she understood very little about what our children experience on a daily basis. She knows she is making a difference in the lives of our students, but is finding it difficult to stay positive and energized when faced with the challenges in our district.

I feel the same way myself.

I know the challenges before me in the classroom-- low reading skills, behavioral issues, lack of parent involvement-- are great, but those challenges no longer frighten or discourage me. I know I have a certain level of control over those issues, and I have been able to reach beyond them in the past.

No, my classroom challenges -- Brad included -- are nothing compared to the challenges I face with the school and district at-large.

We look good on paper

My principal is a well-intentioned lady with a focus on students' achievement. She delegates tasks and doesn't hover over you looking for you to mess up. She's required everyone to participate on a committee, started an after-school program, and set up positive experiences for students. Wonderful, right? Not really.

The problem is that on paper, we look really good. In practice, not so much.

My principal is excellent at delegating tasks. She believes in spreading the responsibility around so that everyone has a chance to lead. I think that is an excellent idea. However, some of the people she has given responsibility to have not done what they are supposed to, and they have either been completely unsuccessful, or so disorganized that when it came to the teachers doing their part, they didn't have a clue what they were supposed to do.

Case in point. A member of the staff who is supposed to be working with teachers to help them integrate technology and creative teaching strategies into their lessons (I'll let you know if that ever happens) was given the responsibility to be the test coordinator. Our district has opted to take the Terra Nova in the fall rather than in the spring, so we just finished our testing a week ago.

The first testing schedule the coordinator came out with had the sixth grade testing in the afternoon right after lunch! Fortunately my principal changed the testing schedule, and we tested in the mornings.

On the last scheduled day of testing, the coordinator requested that we bundle up the tests in the provided envelopes and seal them. When I asked her what we were going to do about make-up tests, she replied, "Oh, I wasn't even going to mess with that. It won't really change anything." I looked at this woman who, with her masters degree and many years of teaching, should have had more sense than that and couldn't say anything to her. Fortunately she allowed us to have our make-up tests, but how can you put someone in this position who not only does such a sloppy job but also has such low expectations for our children?

There's more . . .

But this is only one incident, you might say. It sounds as if your teachers are involved in a lot of planning and focused work with your committees and after-school program.

Most of the committees are not even meeting. Those that are center around union issues and the Courtesy Committee, a committee that sends flowers when you are ill a certain number of days and buys birthday cakes. The academic, school climate, discipline, and other vital committees haven't met since the beginning of school. Nothing has been accomplished in those areas.

The after-school program is run by the testing coordinator, and many of the teachers look at it as an opportunity to get paid rather than as an opportunity to help smaller groups of children really stretch and grow academically.

"These children act so stupid." "He needs to be put out of the school. I can't do anything with him." "It's a hopeless job unless the parents get more involved." "Johnny is just plain old stupid. He'll never get it."

These are the comments that I'm hearing from my colleagues. The truth of the matter is that until the hearts, minds, and attitudes of my colleagues change, we will be able to accomplish very little. Of course, there is little impetus for them to change since they see the results they expect every day. In their classes, the children do act stupid. They can't handle the child. Their parents aren't involved. Oh, and yes, Johnny is just plain old stupid. The prophecies are self-fulfilling.

All of the talk in the faculty meetings about having high expectation is just talk. The expectations get lower, and our students give teachers what they expect.

We can have all the programs and opportunities in the world in our school, but until teachers change their attitudes and decide to coordinate their efforts to help students succeed, not a thing will change at Turner Middle.

I want more.

And who am I? I am just the little minnow, fighting off piranhas. I am the freak who walks in smiling most days, who hugs her kids, who brings chopsticks to "Charles" after another kid breaks his. I am the mutation who gives challenging projects to her students and expects them to work to their ability, who doesn't believe that any student is an "F" student.

I find myself wanting more. I see what Turner Middle could be, and I am endlessly frustrated because I don't see us moving in that direction. Sometimes I think I should look into becoming a professional development coordinator, but that presents a whole new set of problems. As I read Deb's journals about her struggles to work with teachers to make a change, I get the very real sense that, at least for the moment, the teachers perceive her as an outsider. Our staff certainly looked at our Schools for Thought coordinator that way, so much so that she left the position this year for another position. So if I, an insider at my school, cannot make a difference now, what makes me think I could do any better as a foreigner in the building?

I read about other schools where so many great things are happening. I talk to teachers on the listservs I belong to, and I'm jealous when they mention their critical friends groups and energized staffs.

In my classroom, I can handle almost any problem that comes my way. I know I make a difference. In my school, however, I feel powerless to make any real change. If we are ever to do right by our children, things at Turner Middle must change. The big question is, how does that happen? How do you change hearts, minds, and attitudes?

At the moment, I have no idea.


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