Entry # 1: Only one chance
to make a first impression

We started working last February to take away the grip that fear seems to have on sixth graders and their parents about coming to middle school.

We invited parents in to learn about the instructional program at middle school, to meet middle school teachers (no horns or brooms in sight), to hear us promise that their children would be supported in their learning and given safety nets to ensure their academic success. We tried to counter all those comments from elementary school teachers that began with the fearsome words, "And when you get to middle school, they're not going to put up with (fill in the blank to suit the occasion)."

Then, we went to each of our eight elementary schools with a perky, upbeat video and talked about intramurals, lockers, and lunch. We tantalized those now-jaded fifth graders who were ready for a change! "Can we come now?" they wanted to know. The lure of after-school socials and not having to walk in lines, not to mention free seating in the cafeteria and the possibility of eating pizza every day, were all nearly too much to bear. The wait for grade six seemed interminable.

When the fifth-graders visited us in May, some anxiety seemed to set in. It was so big. "How will I get from the gym to the science class and visit my locker in only five minutes? Can I go to the bathroom? Will I know anybody? What if I get lost? What if I'm tardy?" The formless fears festered and grew over the summer. Our guidance counselor held daily information sessions at the community pool where she watched over her own two boys while reassuring the students and their parents. I was sorry that there was no summer stipend for this critical work.

We posted team assignments in the front office before parents began to pick up schedules. Note: next year we will mail out this information to each student. Too much conjecturing about good teams and bad teams and worry about separation of best friends resulted. We had requests for schedule changes before families even knew what their schedules were.

Cougar Camp, which occurred just before the first day of school, allayed most fears. Students learned to work lockers, played get-acquainted games, decorated locker fronts (personal bulletin board space) and were initiated into sixth grade (water balloons burst over each head followed by an ice cream treat). Parents were in the gym learning their own set of ropes for the middle school. A collective sign of relief came from both groups at the end of this experience.

On our first official day, a huge helium balloon, courtesy of a business partner, was on our roof signaling the "grand opening" of a new school year. Teachers had planned "wow" lessons so that the kids' response to parents' inevitable "What happened in school today" question would make an impression.

We re-thought our idea of study skills as the focus of the first three days of school, and delayed it for two weeks. We had a "setting the tone" assembly, three teams at a time. There is no part of a metaphor that I do not love, so I talked about our school in the context of a workplace for children. Open House (a "meet the teacher" night) was held on the ninth day of school. Knowing that parents wanted to know teachers as people, teachers created collages which represented their likes and loves and featured a sixth-grade picture of themselves. We learned a lot about each other from this exercise, and it produced smiles all around.

At the end of 18 days, the activity level of students had increased. They were feeling confident and competent enough to begin the test our resolve to do what we said we would do.

First day for teachers was just as important as it was for students. A voluminous summer mailing and early pick up of staff handbooks gave the year a jump-start. On the first day back, my charge was to meet new teachers and commend first-year teachers to the collective care of the faculty.

I couched this work in a story passed along to me: The Masai, a nomadic tribe in Kenya known for their courage, have a greeting: "How are all the children?" If the answer is "all the children are well," then it can be inferred that all things are well. I asked my faculty, "How are all the children?" They answered, "All the children are well."

Tears came unbidden to my eyes. I get that way sometimes.

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Comments

I'm running into comments for the first time about sixth grader separation anxiety. I suspect it has been around for awhile, but seems to be more pronounced recently, as we hear from teachers and parents.

Symptoms include, saying good-bye in the morning to dad as if he (sixth grader) will never see him again. Clinging to mom much as he did we when he was pre-school.

This particular child was a standout student, popular, etc. in fifth grade.

Sounds like you've gotten a good handle on it by getting them ready and understand concerns about lockers, etc.

Just wondered how much of a problem it is and how best to manage it. We recognize that prevention is the key. but what do you do if nothing (so far) has worked? Are you aware of any research in this area?

Does it have a name other than separation anxiety?

R. Hilliar

Susan's reply:

Interesting observation you have made about "separation anxiety" in evidence between sixth grade parents and students. I think the anxiety may be a result of what John Santrock notes his book, Adolescence (Brown, 1990), as "reciprocal socialization." "For many years, " he writes, "the socialization process between parents and adolescents was viewed as a one-way affair. Adolescents were considered to be the products of their parents' socialization techniques. In contrast, the socialization process between parents and their adolescents is now viewed as reciprocal-- adolescents socialize parents just as parents socialize adolescents."

There were three Cougar Camps for Parents, which ran concurrently with orientation sessions for students. When I asked of the crowds of parents at the three sessions, "How many of you have a student in the sixth grade for the first time," about 70% raised their hands.

This parenting stage is a new road for them. In this regard, another principal wondered aloud at my work in a sixth grade school -- "It's not the kids, it's all those sixth grade parents to contend with!"

And sixth grade parents are as much in transition as are their children. They are not ready to see their children pull away. So the car line slows up as moms and dads enjoy the last of public hugs they will receive. The lunchroom is peppered with parents who have brought in a favorite lunch to share with their child in the presence of his friends. These occasions are on the wane, too. Parents are not fully ready yet -- but they will be. As they come to trust the school and its teachers to maintain an appropriate climate for these emerging adolescents, they will relax a bit. But, not yet.

So, they are still in evidence in the halls helping with balky combination locks. One dad insists on walking his daughter to class each morning and getting her settled before he leaves town for his commute to a distant city for work. We support but do not encourage these parents. We realize they are in transition and their confidence level about us is not where it needs to be.

During the first weeks of school, students waffle for no real substantive reasons. Second year strings students contemplate putting their violins away permanently because their best friend is taking art. That sax player wanna-be from last spring is ready to dump that ambition because she heard the new drama teacher was neat. And, too often, parents (remember, the ones who do not trust us yet) are ready to support these and other whimsies. We pull chairs up to the table, and usually I am able to persuade them to hold firm, at least for nine weeks.

More devastating to teachers and to me is the all too common "blame the teacher" approach to problem solving. I think that elementary teachers are masters of diplomacy and patience. If it is true that we middle school people come to resemble the students we teach emotionally and in behavior. We are a testier lot than our elementary counterparts. These parental votes of no-confidence often rear up during the first weeks of school.

These problems are not a function of sixth grade as much as parents would like you to believe -- they are not just now manifesting themselves. Somehow, the elementary setting absorbed and accommodated the problem better than our sixth grade does. That's part of the transition, too.

We move slowly the first month of school. We listen. We encourage. We assure both parents and students that the anxieties they are facing are temporary. We make few accommodations beyond extreme empathy. And, mirable dictu, insurmountable problems cease to exist.

Finally, while I do not know of any specific research that supports our response to this phenomenon of parent transition to middle school, I do know that after a month, we have molehills rather than mountains. Prevention, you suggest, is a key. Given that transition to sixth grade is part of a developmental stage for parents and their children, I believe understanding and reasonable accommodation are in order.