Entry #19 - January 25, 1999

"Here are these people who barely know you, who don't know your work, colleagues or kids, and yet they can cut to the chase and move your thinking to another level. They don't fix your work and they don't try to fix you, they just help you look at your own process and product."

Last weekend I presented my professional portfolio at a seminar sponsored by the National School Reform Faculty (NSRF) of the Annenberg Institute. I made the committment to keep a portfolio during my training as a Critical Friends' coach. I wasn't really sure what it meant, but tracking my own professional growth seemed like a worthwhile task.

I wish I could say that I systematically collected samples of my work and the corresponding student work over the past three years. I wish I'd been keeping this MiddleWeb diary over that same period of time. I wish I'd been reflecting about my work each step of the way ... However, like most presenters, I had not.

Instead I had copies of assignments, grant applications, test papers, agendas, you name it...in boxes, in piles, in files, on disk, etc. and as the deadline grew closer the need to organize and reflect loomed large.

Annenberg had given us the charge of charting our own course. No template was provided. There was no surefire way to get an "A". I n fact there was no grade, just a clear directive to set goals and measure your progress in relation to them. It wasn't supposed to be a scrapbook, or a picture-perfect success story, rather it was meant to reflect your real efforts to grow as an educator so your students could achieve more. It was to be a work in progress and we were to select one section or "slice" along with a question which we would share with a small group at the seminar.

Just like my students who want to know "what's going to be on the test," I grew increasingly anxious as I struggled to do "it" right. I finally settled on sections based on my major areas of work with my goals and educational philosophy as an introduction.

Putting together the pieces of my work -- the artifacts -- was like assembling a giant jigsaw puzzle whose frame kept shifting. Once I decided to include a piece, I needed to write a reflection which explained what it was, why it was important, how it reflected my goals, what my next steps were, and what questions I still had about this area. This was really hard work. At the same time, it was incredibly rewarding. I got the chance to reconstruct my work and reflect on it.

I was at the computer day and night with piles all around. Our study was off-limits to my husband and dog because what looked like an old envelope to them could very well be an artifact to me! My children called from college and noticed that I sounded busy. Little did they know I was crazed! I wanted to cease doing anything else. Once I started there was no stopping me. My 3-inch binder was beginning to bulge! It was time to weed things out and take another look.

I finally decided to focus my slice on our school's science fair process and the superficial buy-in of some of my fellow teachers. As the science leader I had been responsible for most of this work, and I wanted to dig deep and figure out what had gone wrong and why.

At the conference I got to present my slice to a group of six educators. They read the material carefully, listened to my overview and asked clarifying questions. An Annenberg staff member facilitated the discussion and after a time called for the next stage in the protocol or process we were using.

Now it was time for the group to discuss what they heard and saw. It was also a time to say what they thought might be missing, what they didn't hear, etc. These comments and questions are always a revelation. Here are these people who barely know you, who don't know your work, colleagues or kids, and yet they can cut to the chase and move your thinking to another level. They don't fix your work and they don't try to fix you, they just help you look at your own process and product.

Finally, you get to say what you're thinking after hearing their discussion. You don't answer their questions or offer explanations. Instead you try to identify next steps and questions to push the work.

As I sat and listened I began to see why I wasn't totally comfortable with my question. I hadn't gone deeply enough. My real dilemma was about the lack of accountability for our science fair work in particular and our science work in general. Questions like "what happens if folks agree to require student logs and then don't do them," or "why isn't attendance at the teacher meetings required," left me speechless. It became clear that if we had all really taken ownership then we'd have felt a need to either perform or explain why we hadn't.

The missing accountability raised administrative questions, but it also pointed back in my direction. When my kids don't perform, I ask them why, or I ask them what they didn't understand etc. When my peers don't follow through I feel badly or annoyed and let it go. Is this because it's not my place, or because I don't want to hear their answers? I know it's more the latter. Their answers will probably reveal that I/we haven't been sharing ownership for the work. Even though increasing our capacity to do things is one of my goals for the reform work, I haven't applied it the science department. (Our Critical Friends Group in our cluster has a set of group goals and everyone has personal goals. You can read them here.)

The science department is meeting on Tuesday afternoon and I'm not really sure how it will go, but I am looking forward to a more honest discussion of the work and my leadership of it. I'm going to write a short prompt and some questions tonight which should prepare folks for the topic. I don't want it to be a surprise to anyone. I also don't want it to be a session where folks apologize or pat me on the back for a job well done. We've all done a lot of good science work, but we've fallen down, too. It's not about us as individuals, it's about moving our thinking in order to improve our work with the kids.

If I hadn't done my portfolio, if I hadn't had the benefit of this deep reflection and discussion, I'd be moving on to the next task, putting the science fair behind me until next year. I'm looking forward to Tuesday's discussion. We work too hard and care about the kids too much to "make nice" and avoid these questions.

I hope to continue to document my thinking and growth, but I don't know if I'll keep updating my portfolio. Putting it together was both a luxury and a necessity, given the seminar deadline. I'm glad that being in a Critical Friends Group will keep the lessons and process going even if the binder doesn't.

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