ELLEN
BERG
Diary #15
Standing Up for What Is Right
"If we were to turn
some of our reformist energies toward exorcising the inner demons of
fear, we would take a vital step toward the renewal of teaching and
learning. We would no longer need to put our lives on hold while waiting
for structural change." (p. 37, The
Courage to Teach, Parker J. Palmer)
My husband and I had an interesting conversation over chile poblano and
enchiladas this evening. We were talking about his sister and her steadfast
refusal to dine anywhere that is not an officially sanctioned (read: devoid
of all flavor) chain.
Greg had asked her what she liked so much about a particular restaurant she always coerces the family to gather for birthdays and other get-togethers. She said, "You don't understand, Greg, if I taste even one little bit of onion, I'll get sick. It's not all in my head. I can't handle all of those chunks."
It suddenly dawned on me that what she was expressing was fear, fear of the unknown, fear of tasting or experiencing something she did not like, fear of moving out of her safe spot in the universe.
Roughly seven or eight years ago, I realized this for myself. I was a picky eater, so anything that was not absolutely smooth or looked weird was pushed to the side. I finally decided that the worst thing that could happen to me if I tried something I did not like is that I would not like it. Since that day when I cast off my fear, I have eaten my way through chunks, indistinguishable particles, and unpronounceable entrees (including a delicious Ethiopian meal at NMSA), and my life has been much richer.
Fear and love -- and responsibility
As we continued to talk, my husband and I decided that there are only two real motivating factors in life: fear and love. With everything we do, we are acting out of fear or love, and if we become self-aware the motivations behind our actions, we can begin to change our lives and what we choose to do in any given situation. That is an idea that is a profound agent for change, not only in my personal life and development but in my practice as well. With the realization that we have control over our choices and our choices either support or refute others' choices comes responsibility. With responsibility staring me down, fear arrives, and that is where I am now as I realize my responsibility for change at Turner Middle.I speak a lot to friends, colleagues, and my diary readers about what I believe is right where teaching and students are concerned. I transfer my reflections onto paper weekly, building my understandings and hopefully assist those who read these documents in their own self-reflections.
To do all of these things requires a very little risk. I choose what to reveal in this public forum, but even if I exposed all of my weaknesses to my close colleagues and readers, I know I am among friends who would be supportive and offer advice to help me along the way.
No, the real risk for all of us is to stand up to superiors and the community and say those same things we share amongst our like-minded colleagues. It is a frightening proposition, but if we do not challenge the wrongs and status quo in our schools, who will?It is convenient and comforting to assign blame for all our ills, but to do so is a lie. There may be roadblocks, but if no one ever speaks up and points them out, the roadblocks may never be removed.
The smooth path is inviting
I have wanted nothing more in my life than to take the smooth path. I do not like to stand out, and I feel tongue-tied when people go on the offensive. I wanted to ease into the perfect school structure and help my students grow. If you at all believe in destiny or fate, you may understand what I am about to say. I truly believe that personal weaknesses and problems keep reoccurring until we address them and grow as people. I have a fear of standing up and drawing attention to myself, and so I find myself again and again in positions where I have the opportunity to speak up. I either sit tight and complain to colleagues later, or make a feeble attempt and give up quickly when it becomes too uncomfortable.But it is time to change all of that. I am tired of feeling frustrated and powerless when I can do something. Nothing will change unless it becomes too uncomfortable to embrace the same old structures and habits of mind. I have a responsibility to stir the pot.
Questioning our school improvement plan
My principal assigned me to the MSIP committee to help revise the document for the year. I was dreading the meeting tomorrow, seeing the futility of putting all these glorious ideas down on paper only to have them remain ideas and not actions. However, since my conversation with my husband tonight and my commitment to my responsibility to speak up, I am looking forward to the experience. In preparation for the meeting tomorrow, I have prepared a few questions:What in this
document is actually in practice, and what is the evidence?
What data
have we collected to support adding or continuing with strategies?
How can staff
support the improvement plan if they never receive a copy?
How will
we hold ourselves accountable for implementing all that we say we are
going to implement?
What commitment
does the administration have to ensure the document is not just a piece
of paper but an actual plan?
How are we going to get the staff on board?
My principal is not going to like these questions. She likes everything to look and sound good, but there is no accountability unless she draws heat. I will probably be chastised and belittled with a quick offensive, but I am not going to sit quietly by and appear to support her choices. Let the chips fall where they may...
