ELLEN
BERG
Diary #21
If
I'm Going to Grow,
I May Need to Move On
Not a good weekend. The Rams lost, my husband is in a funk, and if my eye does not stop twitching and pulsating soon, I am going to pluck it out myself.
I have finally come to terms with the idea that--horrors!--I may be at that age where I need a little assistance with my vision. Glasses. Contacts, maybe, if I can get past the icky idea of touching my eyeball daily. I had signs before --difficulty driving on rainy nights, mild headaches -- but it seems my left eye decided I needed a more clear, motivating reason to get off my couch and schedule an eye exam. Let me tell you, the eye is most definitely in charge at this point. As I have finally come to the realization that I need to do something about my vision, heinous as the thought might be, I have also begun thinking about strengthening my practice. As I have shrugged off the idea of wearing glasses to correct my vision, I have also shrugged off some pretty drastic steps I think I need to take to correct -- improve -- my teaching. I had a guest from Massachusetts visit my classroom last Friday. She is a reader of my diary entries, was in town visiting her daughter at a local university, and asked to see my classroom firsthand. I thoroughly enjoyed her visit, though her presence in my classroom and enviable tales of her home school environment triggered many questions for me: 1. She's my guest, but oh my gosh, would I love to pick her brain about what went wrong today! 2. Will I be able to grow as a teacher if I am the "experienced" one at my school? 3. Do I have to leave my school to grow as a practitioner? 4. What happens to my kids if I leave? I really do not want to leave Turner. I love my kids. I love the community. I love the idea that I am serving a population that desperately needs committed teachers. Yet I cannot help feeling I will never reach my potential if I stay where I am, without the support and guidance I think I need. There is no one to observe, no more experienced colleague to glean wisdom and ideas from, no person to ask me the hard questions about what I am doing. I am feeling my way along, a blind woman in a sea of darkness. I do not want to leave. But how can I stay? To whom do I owe my loyalty? Myself, or my kids? On the MiddleWeb listserv we have been discussing ability grouping. Essentially, research and our experience shows that heterogeneous grouping is more effective than ability grouping, With heterogeneous grouping, all members grow, while with ability grouping, only the top students grow. From my firsthand experience, I can say I am growing, but at a very slow rate. Most of my colleagues in this school are slightly below where I am in terms of experience, and that puts us in a loose ability group. None of us are developing as quickly as we could if in a different environment. If you are a connoisseur of new age literature, you might be thinking that my general unrest is a sign that it is time to move on. I am a fairly intelligent person, and I suspect that new age or no, that conclusion is correct. I feel like a traitor, because I want something for me, and it feels like I am turning my back on my kids. Never mind that in the long run I will be a better teacher of kids. Never mind that I am feeling uninspired and stagnant and mediocre. I spent much of the weekend looking at area school district websites, looking at school data specifying staff breakdown according to experience. I am not looking for an easier situation -- a challenge is essential to my engagement as a teacher -- but I am looking for an environment where I can grow and strengthen my skills. I do not know where I will be next year or even the next. I do not know that I will have the courage to send out resumes and applications this year. I do know that my time at Turner is growing short, and it is a separation I am not looking forward to. Maybe, someday, it will feel okay. Maybe I will be able to look back and say I have done the right thing. Maybe the move I make now will help me help similar students progress even further. Maybe.
