JOANNE
PAYLING
Diary #14
Confessions of a Teaching Perfectionist
Several times this week I have been tempted to give up. It is obvious to me that teaching effectively is one of the most difficult jobs in the world.
I am not a "natural" teacher. This is disheartening. I have read and heard that some people walk into a classroom and are immediately in control, students are motivated, and learning takes place. I am so far from that ideal that it is easy to convince myself that I am doing my students a grave injustice wasting their time with my pathetic efforts, and thus I should leave this profession at the end of the year.
I decided not to pursue teaching in 1975 because I knew I could not do the job well. I didn't even want to try because my student teaching showed me that teaching Johnny to read involved much more than putting a book in his hand and having him sound out the words. Johnny's home life, Johnny's physical and mental health, Johnny's unique talents and disabilities, all played a part in his development and ability to learn.
Although we didn't have terms like differentiation and Individualized Education Plans back then, common sense told me that one method of teaching and one expectation for all wasn't going to work for 30 different students. And, at age 22, I knew I simply wasn't up to the job.
That fear still haunts me. I blithely entered this profession again last year, believing that my maturity, confidence, intelligence, and life experiences, not to mention raising two children, would see me through the tough parts of teaching. And those things do help. They truly do. But are they enough?
I have the willingness. I have the caring. Yet I am doing exactly what I knew was incorrect 25 years ago. And that is trying to teach uniformly. I don't know how else to do it, to be honest. Oh yes, I am modifying for a few students who are identified at-risk. I am aware of my ADD/ADHD students and my ELD students and I make accommodations. But I feel like it isn't enough.
Working on imperfection
I was once told I am a perfectionist. That came as a surprise to me. Yet, as I reviewed the way I do things, it rang true. It is no wonder I am an English teacher. All the i's must be dotted, the commas placed correctly, and the spelling must be letter perfect.
I can accept that not all my students are going to get it exactly right, but I find it difficult to allow myself that same leeway. So far, I am not getting teaching "exactly right." And the perfectionist in me says if there is no hope of getting it exactly right, then I should quit.
But I don't want to. When a lesson goes well, it is exhilarating. When students beg to be allowed to help decorate the classroom door for the seasonal contests, giving up their lunchtime, my heart turns to mush. When a student does a terrific job on a project or exam, I want to tell the world how great that student is. I'm not ready to give up yet, but it sure looks like all my summers for the foreseeable future are filled up with education courses to improve my teaching skills and techniques. And so it goes this second week of December.
