JOANNE
PAYLING
Diary #22
Collegiality, or Just Cliques?
Even as I write this, I know I am being judged. Today is a district in-service and I am supposed to be in Room 401 listening to a presentation on classroom management. But I am home this afternoon. At the minimum, my pay will be docked. At the maximum, I am risking next year's employment by not being at school since I am on a one-year, temporary teaching contract. Why am I doing this?
I attended both the full-district convocation at the high school and the middle school site meeting this morning. The assembly speaker, Rutgers University's Dr. Maurice Elias addressed Character Education and emotional I.Q. He made the point that our children need us to say, not, "I think, therefore I am," but rather "I see you, therefore, you are." Kids want to be seen. This is evident in the yells across the quad. "Hello, Ms. Payling!" Looking in the direction of the voice, I make out a speck on the far sidewalk. With my middle-aged eyesight, I often can't tell who it is. But I always wave back vigorously, and shout, "Hey there! How's it going?" If I recognize the student, I always add their name. Kids want to be acknowledged, and it is our job, as their teacher, to validate their existence and their importance as we lead them down the learning path they're on. We adults also need this affirmation. "I see you, therefore, you are." New teachers need this perhaps more than most. One way this is attained is to join a new teacher support group. In another diary entry, I explained why I regretfully chose not to join my district's group. I knew then, and I know now, it was a short-sighted decision. However, my reasons remain valid and unchanged, despite the isolation in which I find myself. I will write more on my views towards new teacher support another time, as I gain more perspective through the year. I am home this afternoon because today I felt unsupported and largely unseen, in spite of my smiles and hellos. At the large assembly this morning, I was introduced to and sat with another teacher, but her interest in me was strictly for gossip. She wanted to know what I had heard about her since her transfer to a different middle school. She lost interest fairly quickly when she realized I had nothing to offer. No one else spoke to me among the hundreds of teachers there.At the next meeting I attended at my school site, the teacher cliques were firmly in place. I felt invisible. The culture of my school, like many schools in the United States, is one of autonomy. If collegiality exists, then it is within the cliques, and therefore a closed collegiality. If collaboration or cross-curricular teaching exists, no one has told me about it.
I understand the difficulty of being a newcomer and breaking into established friendship groups. I attended 10 schools in 12 years. I have spent my life as the newcomer, and as such know the importance of smiling and welcoming people and being inclusive. Sadly, I am not in an environment where that is practiced as fully as it could be.
This was just one of the days where I felt like I was rowing alone, in circles, in the middle of the lake. After lunch I decided I was tired of rowing alone. I came home. And now I am being judged. And I know I am guilty. I should have toughed it out this afternoon. I guess I'm just tired of being the newcomer. I'll let you know what happens.
